A tribute to loving and losing

Some people say love hurts, others say it brings happiness. I would say love brought me life’s greatest lessons. I was 16 when I first started actually dating someone. It was kind of a big deal. Being from India I can definitely tell you that parents are really not okay with you seeing someone at that age. That’s when they expect you to enjoy life (start thinking about your career). I really did want to make it big in life. I was very ambitious at 16, I wanted to be a doctor. I even put a LOT of effort towards being one. Of course, now at 25, I know I wouldn’t have been able to succeed doing that. Anyway, the person I was dating was literally the opposite of who I was. He was funny then, we hung out a lot and he wasn’t ambitious at all. It was a typical high school relationship. I couldn’t have asked for more. I really thought I was going to marry him. Then, I went to college, I grew up.

The break up wasn’t really as difficult as it should have been. Considering I was dreaming about my perfect wedding with a person I had been for almost three years. I moved on rather quickly. I remember my friends telling me I was too practical instead of being emotional at the time. It was me who broke up. I wish I could go back and apologize for being a hard ass that I was. I din’t really care about what the other person felt. I always thought I should be happy. If not break up was my best bet.

As I started college, I became famous with the ‘senior’ guys. I was a bit of a carefree/ hippy back then; never gave a shit about what people thought of me. I guess that’s how I survived college. I made great friends who are still with me. I met someone worth being with at that time. He was really nice, funny and sociable. Would engage a crowd with a great conversation. But then all of this led to many insecurities which led to a break up. That’s what happens to good college relationships- people move abroad and long distance brings insecurities. That relationship was a big factor that led to me moving out of my house and coming to this country. Of course by the time I got here I had already broken up. Who wants an old relationship when they are in a new country. Right? Oh my god! This is who I was before- shallow who had no empathy towards anyone.

I wasn’t going to get away hurting everyone that came into my life. So I finally met someone who changed me completely. Definitely for the better and yes, I am not with that person anymore. He is happily married now to his girlfriend/ ex-girlfriend of God knows how long. I was a drifting bird in his life so to say. And I do wish them the best for their future. They are really suited for each other. And some part of me wanted them to be together even when I was dating him. How messed up is that. I’m sure many people out there must have felt like me. I became this lonely, dull person who smoked and drank all the time to make myself feel better. I never asked myself once is this relationship really worth it? But when I did I stayed away from trouble. It took me a long time to accept that I was cheated on, being lied to and rejected while living in the same house. My advice- Never do it. Move the hell out! Also, never think that you are going to end up alone. Its root cause of all failed relationships.

Anyway for what its worth, I learned a lot from each one of them, even from the ones I dated for a short time. And I wish I was in touch with each of them. But that doesn’t really happen these days. No one talks to their exes anymore, everyone just stalks them on social media! Come on! You all know I’m right about this one. That’s how all of us feel good or bad about ourselves depending how our exes are doing.

Today I do learn about their lives and I do feel extremely happy for each one of them as they get married or find the one they truly love. I am evolving and moving towards forgiving my past and doing away with regrets and being strong for my future. I certainly don’t feel as insecure as I used to before (can’t be a 100%- not insecure) haha! I learned about who I really was as a person. Inside and out. Gave me perspective and motivation to be better than who I am.

Today I am happy- not only for myself but also for the ones I loved and lost.

P.S: If ever my exes get to this- I want you guys to know that it was great to have you all in some of the most important phases of my life.

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