A tribute to loving and losing

Some people say love hurts, others say it brings happiness. I would say love brought me life’s greatest lessons. I was 16 when I first started actually dating someone. It was kind of a big deal. Being from India I can definitely tell you that parents are really not okay with you seeing someone at that age. That’s when they expect you to enjoy life (start thinking about your career). I really did want to make it big in life. I was very ambitious at 16, I wanted to be a doctor. I even put a LOT of effort towards being one. Of course, now at 25, I know I wouldn’t have been able to succeed doing that. Anyway, the person I was dating was literally the opposite of who I was. He was funny then, we hung out a lot and he wasn’t ambitious at all. It was a typical high school relationship. I couldn’t have asked for more. I really thought I was going to marry him. Then, I went to college, I grew up.

The break up wasn’t really as difficult as it should have been. Considering I was dreaming about my perfect wedding with a person I had been for almost three years. I moved on rather quickly. I remember my friends telling me I was too practical instead of being emotional at the time. It was me who broke up. I wish I could go back and apologize for being a hard ass that I was. I din’t really care about what the other person felt. I always thought I should be happy. If not break up was my best bet.

As I started college, I became famous with the ‘senior’ guys. I was a bit of a carefree/ hippy back then; never gave a shit about what people thought of me. I guess that’s how I survived college. I made great friends who are still with me. I met someone worth being with at that time. He was really nice, funny and sociable. Would engage a crowd with a great conversation. But then all of this led to many insecurities which led to a break up. That’s what happens to good college relationships- people move abroad and long distance brings insecurities. That relationship was a big factor that led to me moving out of my house and coming to this country. Of course by the time I got here I had already broken up. Who wants an old relationship when they are in a new country. Right? Oh my god! This is who I was before- shallow who had no empathy towards anyone.

I wasn’t going to get away hurting everyone that came into my life. So I finally met someone who changed me completely. Definitely for the better and yes, I am not with that person anymore. He is happily married now to his girlfriend/ ex-girlfriend of God knows how long. I was a drifting bird in his life so to say. And I do wish them the best for their future. They are really suited for each other. And some part of me wanted them to be together even when I was dating him. How messed up is that. I’m sure many people out there must have felt like me. I became this lonely, dull person who smoked and drank all the time to make myself feel better. I never asked myself once is this relationship really worth it? But when I did I stayed away from trouble. It took me a long time to accept that I was cheated on, being lied to and rejected while living in the same house. My advice- Never do it. Move the hell out! Also, never think that you are going to end up alone. Its root cause of all failed relationships.

Anyway for what its worth, I learned a lot from each one of them, even from the ones I dated for a short time. And I wish I was in touch with each of them. But that doesn’t really happen these days. No one talks to their exes anymore, everyone just stalks them on social media! Come on! You all know I’m right about this one. That’s how all of us feel good or bad about ourselves depending how our exes are doing.

Today I do learn about their lives and I do feel extremely happy for each one of them as they get married or find the one they truly love. I am evolving and moving towards forgiving my past and doing away with regrets and being strong for my future. I certainly don’t feel as insecure as I used to before (can’t be a 100%- not insecure) haha! I learned about who I really was as a person. Inside and out. Gave me perspective and motivation to be better than who I am.

Today I am happy- not only for myself but also for the ones I loved and lost.

P.S: If ever my exes get to this- I want you guys to know that it was great to have you all in some of the most important phases of my life.

I wish you were here..

How does it feel to lose your breath? How does it feel to be lost? How does it feel to lose yourself?

My mother was my friend, my critic, my guide, my idol. I’m sure many people feel the same. When I was 10, I believed that I could conquer the world with her help (I was young). I trusted that I could achieve it all. Parents give you that confidence to excel. Mine certainly did. Of course with all of this, I was a little bit of an arrogant kid, always looking out for myself. I wasn’t empathetic towards peoples’ feelings or their problems. Sometimes you need life to teach you a lesson (at least I thought it was that).

Just a few days before my 10th grade final exams (quite an important one for Indians), I got a call early one morning. My mom had gone for a party previous night, her team had organized at work. I remember how beautiful she looked as she left to never come back. I looked at her with awe and felt proud to have a parent like her. She was the most important to me. The call ruined everything. The person on the phone sounded scared, worried and slightly guilty. She told me that she wanted to speak to my father, considering I was still young to deal with it.

There was an accident. She was hit.

My life came crumbling down. I was angry for days, wondering why this happened. Why would this happen to me. I felt disappointed. Truly, it was loss, of the worst kind. I have a younger sister. I looked at her. The sadness in her eyes made me feel that I should be stronger. For her. For my family. For myself. The pain was excruciating, my head hurt everyday. I kept thinking and questioning my fate (most do that when they are sad). I became a defensive person with huge walls around myself. My sister did too. (If you ask people around us, they will tell you!) It was just the way we protected ourselves from being hurt again.

Sometimes, you need to take a step back and think about survival. It was difficult to adjust for the longest time. We would have fights in our house. I would be more agitated than usual. It was like a roller coaster of emotions considering we guys had to see her coma for 22 months, every single day. I hadn’t seen my happy place for the longest time. Finally, my mother gave up being a turnip (that’s what they say). Eight years ago, around this time (18th Dec 2006) she left me, my sister, my father, she left us.

Today I am eight years wiser (at least I think I am). Every person needs time and space to figure that this wasn’t their fault. Or even to cool off anger and think straight. I feel better about this empty space in my life. About the fact that if and when I get married, my mother won’t be there to see me off. But today, I know that I din’t lose it all. I have my father, my sister, who take care of me even if they are 10,000 miles away. They are the strongest in the world. I truly love and miss them so much. My sister always says that we are a team and we are in this together. My empty spaces are filled with one of the best people in the world (my world).

My sister shared this quote with me when I was at the lowest point in my life. It said, “Sisters are friends for life, a gift to each other from their parents. If they are near or far, they always belong to each other and belong together”. I am the luckiest to have her. I realize the importance today, of having a sibling. Take the time to express to your sibling, how grateful you are for their presence. And for all those who have lost a parent, don’t lose hope. It does get better! And you will be happy again. Ask for help when you need it. Your family is yours, they will always love you. Thank the one parent you have, who has struggled for your happiness and sacrificed their own.